What teh hell is wrong with me?!

i just spent an hour trying to get up the nerve to text someone. one of my freinds. because i've been sitting in this chair for the past week and staring at this computer.

but whenever i try to think of something todo for fun, this question comes up: what's the point?
sure, i could go to teh bookstore again, but why? to sit in a chair adn not read anything because then i'll want to buy it so instead i get bored and have to drive all the way across town back home.
yeah, that's fun.

but back to the first topic-- why am i so afraid to attempt to communicate with people? i don't think it's fear of rejection, i've ben rejected before and its not so bad.
i think it's a fear tha people will see how bad i am at trying to relate to them and laugh. or worse-- they'll find out i actually NEED them.

yes it's a tough thing to admit, but you'll go crazy living in a box with no outlet for your words. i know; i've been there. but if you don;t reach out and try, then it's your own fault when you actually do go crazy.

what i really want is to have a conversation. but it's hard for me to relate. not converse, i mean, i do that rather well, or at least pretend to. but beyond teh superficial-- an actual, meaningful conversation, about something i want to talk about for once! it's hard for me to connect with people on a meaningful level.

it's been said that great men are often lonely. but then my other mind asks teh question, "since when are you so great?"