so anyway, because i'm so paranoid about my stuff being stolen, or unviable for publication, i don't post a lot of my a-game here. i hope you'll forgive me, but today, i've dredged up something from the past: a fake newspaper i created for my history and systems of psychology class!
it's a peice of work, i'm very proud of, but i couldn't preserve the formatting and most of the pictures are gone, so I'll be posting it piecemeal.
hope you enjoy it!
Article previews:
The Arts
Man Farts Loudly, Laughs Full Story, pg C2
Science pg F19
Fake Newspapers Are Stupid, Experts Say
The Arts Man Farts Loudly, Laughs Full Story, pg C2 | |
Your Number One Source for Lies and SlanderThe Anachronistic Times
VOL. I….No. 1 GREGORIAN CALENAR 1950 FIFTEEN BUCKS
Articles:
Happy Birthday, VW Microbus!
The successor to the widely popular German beetle rolled off the assembly line today, and future filthy hippies rejoice. This icon of counterculture was designed by Ben Pon, who was looking for a way to increase the beetle’s aerodynamic performance. The Volkswagen type 2, or, kombinationskraftwagen, is likely a stepping stone for future automotive designers everywhere. The vehicle has ample room for both passengers and cargo, with a sleek profile, all from the good folks who brought you World War II! 
Pat Benetar Still 3 Years Away From Being Born
Seers of the future agree with statesmen of the obvious, singing sensation Patricia Mae “Pat Benetar” Arezejewsky has not been born yet, and will continue to remain unborn for a further three years. Those that are particularly adept at reading the future suggest that she will be born in Lindenhurst, New York where she will study opera, divorce her high school sweet heart, marry her bassist, and eventually run with the shadows of the night.
Disney’s Cinderella #1 Movie of the Year
The first big hit since Snow White and the first full length feature since Bambi, Walt Disney’s latest cinematic vision is the top grossing film this year. Based on the Charles Perrault fairy tale, this charming tale of child abuse recalls the legend of the proverbial redheaded stepchild (though it’s really more of a strawberry blonde) as she struggles to marry a rich and powerful man with the aid of anthropomorphic rodents and a mystically obese, gibberish spouting benefactor who looks like my grandma. Premiering on Feb. 14th, the film cost $3,000,000 dollars to make and featured three directors. It was also the first animated film wherein an unprecedented 90% of footage was animated using live action modeling beforehand. All that live action work begs the question, “Why animate the damn thing anyway?” While plans for two sequels are already in development, Disney plans to take a break from the Cinderella trilogy to pursue other stories.
It’s fortunate that this movie was a success, because without its box office revenues, Disney would likely have sunk and future classics like, The Black Cauldron and Tron will never have come to be. 
Researchers Discover Amazing New Device under Couch Cushion
In an attempt to find change for the snack machine, engineers at the Zenith Radio Corporation excavated the area underneath the office couch only to find a device they call a “television remote control.” Apparently, this unique device allows its wielder to alter the volume or change the channel without having to move. Although at this stage, the remote remains connected to the television via an umbilical cable, Zenith plans to improve upon the model.
“We were planning on adding more buttons with different functions; like for instance a button that allows you to punch the person on screen in the face, or a switch that will control a pyrotechnic mechanism that shoots flames at you on the couch. Right now we’re beta testing a button we affectionately call, ‘bitch, get me a beer’ but the results are unfavorable so far.”
“Thank God we won’t have to walk to the TV anymore,” says Irma G. as she stuffs cheetos into her mouth, “my feet were killing me; I mean foot. I still get phantom limb syndrome even though I lost the right one to diabetes.” Irma’s joy is shared throughout the nation today, a truly momentous day for lazy people everywhere.
Carl Gustav Jung on Carl Gustav Jung: An Interview
By John Ellis
I recently sat down with renowned former disciple of Freud and suspected Nazi sympathizer, C.G. Jung in a revealing tell all interview.
No Photo Available
Me: Professor Jung, first may I say what a privilege it is for you to agree to peak with me.
C.G.: Thank you, the pleasure is mine. Its not every day that I get to meet the 105th most influential man in history.
Me: So how’s India this time of year?
C.G.: Very nice, thanks. Emma and I are having a lot of fun. It has actually inspired my latest lecture series at Yale.
Me: Really? What about?
C.G.: The thin line between psychology and religion.
Me: Sounds intriguing. You’ve made many contributions to the field of psychology, but one that people find most difficult to accept is the concept of the collective unconscious.
C.G. Jung: You must have noticed that occasionally one may dream of a thing which he has never seen or heard of before. How do we account for such things? Just as animals are born with instincts, man must have a hidden community experience, passed on through heredity. It makes perfect sense.
Me: But psychological images and situations are much more complex than reflexes and instincts, aren’t they? How could you compare these two groups of things?
C.G.: Well, you’ve made a common mistake; I only meant the collective unconscious theory as a means to explain the similarities between different people’s dreams and fiction: you can’t deny the evidence is there.
Me: Sort of like your theory of synchronicity?
C.G.: Sort of, but that deals with real life, where the collective unconscious deals with dreams. Also, in dreams the meaning of the symbols is predetermined; with synchronicity, the meaning is ascribed by the individual.
Me: I want to switch gears for a moment. During the war, you were the editor for a Nazi newsletter, and recommended Mein Kampf as recommended reading. What is your response to these claims?
C.G.: Yes, well they’re both indisputable facts. In my defense I would like to point out that I only did that to the Germans from destroying psychology. At the time, it was viewed as a “Jewish science,” preposterous that there could be such a thing, and I did what I could to help the Nazi’s accept it. And I did it with the aid and support of my Jewish friends and colleagues. The years of World War II were times we all wish we could put behind us. They were times when many men were forced to do things they weren’t proud of, but we all made it through and humanity as a whole is smarter for it.
In 1943 I helped the united states’ OSS by analyzing the third reich’s top men.
Me: Who?
C.G. (looking pointedly at me): Top. Men.
Me: Before you go, I had dream that has been confusing me.
C.G.: Shoot.
Me: I was playing a videogame that degenerated into a documentary about Bugs Bunny.
C.G. and I then go through a lengthy word association session.
C.G.: I think you watch too much TV.
So there you have it. Not bad, Eh? sorry if the layout is confusing.
